PMT Rantings

It's been a long time since I blogged last. At the moment my feeling is not settled due to the recent developments in global events and also personal goings on. A few days ago my mom informed me that thieves had tried to enter my house ... the main door was already opened, the lock was not damaged .. but thanks to my home security alarm ... the alarm went the moment the opened the door. The thieves tried to enter my house in the morning at a time when the guards and my next door neighbour were not around. The guards patrolling my residential area are only on duty from 7pm till 7 am and because of the long public holiday, my next door neighbour who is helping to keep an eye on my house was away. This has really intensified my feeling of returning home to Malaysia. There are so many things I need to do ... I need to change the locks of my house, I need to erect a new gate ... I feel violated because that is my home ... my sanctuary ... somewhere where I should feel safe ... but now because of my studies and those bloody bastards thieves ... I am unsettled. It is not easy to try and focus on my studies at the moment. As for recent global events ... well ... Osama's killing, the killing of Ghadaffi's son and grandchildren .. have intensified distrust and prejudice between non-muslims and muslims. I am also worried for the safety of my family and friends who are here in the UK because of the foreseeable ramifications of the recent global developments ... needless to say this has also added to this yearning for home ... although Malaysia is neither as rich nor as developed as the UK ... at least it is safer there (insyaallah) because we are a peaceful country who do not meddle in other countries' business. So, I hate this unsettled feeling and I hate this toxic environment!!

I'm also convinced that I am feeling rather emotional now because of my PMS ... I should be getting my period next week. Still, I do not think my worries are not warranted.

One of the Simple Yet Not Easily Overcomed Dilemma of a PhD Student

As all of you may know by now ... I have passed the first of two major hurdles in my PhD studies recently... namely the Upgrade. That was on 16 March 2011 ... it's now 4 April 2011 ... AND I have not studied since then ... which is roughly about nearly 3 weeks of non-study time. I know the right thing to do after my upgrade is to take a rest and relax ... but it is ever so difficult to kick start my mind and heart to commence studying again. It's like a catch 22 situation ... if I don't take a rest after intensely studying non-stop since late November last year, then I might just be too exhausted and face a study burn out ... but once I stop and rest ... this is what happens ... it's just so hard to push this laziness and feeling of malaise away. I'm sure I'm not the first student to feel this way ... but how I wish there is a magic pill which could start me industriously working on my thesis again! However, I must say that I have enjoyed relaxing ... infact, since the days are longer and are much warmer now I went picnicking with my family and good friends near the lake behind our house in the afternoon. It was just an impromtu Mother's Day picnic with some simple home cooked food ... but we had a jolly good time! How I wish Malaysian weather is like that ... alas ... if I were to go picnicking in the middle of the field without any shade in the afternoon in Malaysia, I would end up with mild heat stroke and sun burn. Well ... one can't have cake and eat it too!

Future Plans ...

These few days I've been missing my cat Thomas who is being cared for by my parents in Malaysia. I love cats ... just like my dad. Since I was aware of my existence on this earth, I have never lived without a cat or sometimes cats as pets. My very first cat whom I love and still miss so dearly although I lost him at such an early age ... was called Mimik. It was a mix siamese cat who I always carried around from the moment i woke up till I slept at night. However, sadly, he died after being hit by a car and I can still remember I cried for days for missing him. Every now and then, when I remember him and our adventures together ... the memories still bring a smile to my face. Now back to the present ... Thomas is a mix breed cat with a very gentle and loving demeanor. Whenever I am sad or stressed he seems to sense it and would never leave my side. He often shares our bed at night especially when it is a warm night and we have our air-cond on. He was born sometime in 2002 and my sister found him at the dumpster of the nursery where she was temporarily working after her graduation and brought him back home because he was just too cute. Actually he's one of the kittens of the pakcik whose house was next door to the nursery. My sister had a clear conscience of pinching him because that pakcik had too many cats and Thomas2 mom was a persian cat who was neglected by the pakcik. So ... fast forward to the present ... Thomas has been lovingly cared for by us and is getting on in years. I have now thought about adopting another furry baby after completion of my PhD. I've been looking at the Malaysian cat breeders website to see which breed would suit my lifestyle. In doing so, I think I know what i want to do after my retirement. I would love to be a cat breeder. I would be doing something I love and be sharing my life with the furry gentle creatures who are just ever so loving. By the way ... I wanted to be a vet, but the idea was vetoed by my dad for his silly belief that i would not be able to find employment in Malaysia after my graduation. It's really a shame because I think I would have made a very good vet and I would have also been more globally marketable as a vet. So, moral of the story for those of you who are about to choose your university course ... follow your bliss. You will do your best when you are doing something that you love. So ... in about 11 to 18 years time ... if this blog is still in operation ... I will keep you posted !

Thots on Love, Life and Death

Today I was crying my eyes out the whole morning. Why?? Not because of anything which happened to me ... but because I was reading the blog of a wonderful lady whose beloved husband had passed away in Oct 2010. People often say that I look "garang" (fierce) but what they don't know is that I have a very soft heart and I am actually as tame as a kitty if I'm treated right ... hehehe. Masuk bakul angkat sendiri (translation : tooting my own horn). Anyways ... I have also read the blog of another lady whom I personally know (but not close) who had also recently lost her husband. Personally I prefer reading the blog of the earlier lady because she comes across as intelligent, humble and more realistic. The latter lady ... well ... she is just full of question marks. She didn't have enough money to bury her late hubby but now she happily blogs about her trips around Europe and puts up pics of luxury items which she has bought. I know her parents are rich and maybe it is a way for her to deal with her emotions ... but somehow it just does not seem right to me. Some things should just be kept private. I know I'm one to talk since I myself am a blogger ... but at least I have not put up my real name and full details about my life.

Anyways ... that's not what i wanted to blog about this time. What I want to say is ... the blogs have reminded me that one should appreciate and demonstrate one's love to loved ones whilst they are still around on this earth. It has also reminded me how important it is for me to be a good wife and mother, to be thankful for what i have and to accept my husband as he is because he is not who he is without his shortcomings. I have to admit that sometimes I have not been a good wife especially when I am cross with my hubby, or complain about his shortcomings or bad habits or when I wonder aloud ...why don't I have this or that in life. What a horrible wife I have been... and I aim to change that. Once you've got yourself a good man who is true to you ... love him and never let him go.

I beseech you Allah ... give me the strength and wisdom to improve myself as a wife and mother for I don't think I can live with the regret of not being a wife and mother the best way that I can. Panjangkanlah umur ahli keluargaku, kekalkanlah jodohku hingga ke akhir hayat, berkatilah serta rahmatilah rumah tanggaku, peliharalah iman kami, peliharalah nasab keturunan dan zuriat kami , murahkan lah rezeki kami serta lindungilah kami dari godaan syaitan, dosa, bala, malapelataka, kezaliman, kekufuran, fitnah serta hasad dengki ... Amin

The Morning After .... the Upgrade la!

Yezz ... it's the morning after the upgrade ... BTW, i passed, so congrats to me! hehe. I should be feeling relaxed, relieved and happy ... but why oh why am I not feeling any of those emotions?? Well ... firstly, because I have to decide on whether I have to proceed with my research as originally proposed or expand my 2nd chapter into a whole thesis (as per my primary supervisor's suggestion). Secondly, I'm missing home and family in Malaysia (so what else is new?) and thirdly I've just received news that so many idiots are being promoted in my service whilst the good ones are sidelined. All these have contributed to this "down" feeling that I'm having at the moment. I have so many things to say on all those issues and just don't know where to start especially the third issue. I wish I could just leave the service and move on to greener pastures ... but my pension is holding me back. However, if I get a good offer and my salary is being paid in GBP or USD ... I think I might just take up the offer and leave the service. It's not that I don't love my country and am not thankful to the government ... but I just feel like I've had enough. I've just had too many bad experiences in the service which has eroded whatever iota that is left of my love for the service. The fact is ... I feel stifled, humiliated and unappreciated by the service. Yes, I have been given this opportunity to further my studies in UK whilst in service, but most probably after i report for duty, the knowledge which I've gained will not be used and i will be placed in a post which is not at all relevant to my qualifications. My credential will just be another detail in my CV and that's it. Plus, there will be so many people who will try to humiliate me and bring me down. I've faced all these after I returned to the service after obtaining my masters degree. So, in short ... after nearly 14 years in civil service I have conceded that I am not cut out to be a Malaysian civil servant. I have been in denial for the past 7 years and now I truly and wholeheartedly am just giving up. So, here is a piece of advice for those of you interested in becoming a civil servant.... don't waste your time and intelligence. You can contribute to your country just as well by working in the private sector, overseas or opening your own business. I remember when I told a lecturer of mine just before I graduated from my Bachelors degree that I want to enter government service to gain experience and contribute to the country because I thought I could make a difference. My lecturer who had double law degrees from the UK told me ... "what experience? you won't gain any good professional experience by working for the government". At that point in time I just dismissed him as a cynical old sod. But now ... yes, I have to admit that he was right. So, what do i have to show for throughout my 14 years with the civil service so far? The only good thing I can think of now is my master degree and hopefully my doctorate which insyaallah I'll be obtaining in 2012. As for useful/marketable professional experience and job satisfaction ... Nada, Zilch. I could have gained marketable experience if I had continued my legal practice. All the lessons learnt will help me to guide my son towards obtaining useful and fullfilling employment in the future. I have told him that you have to be internationally marketable. Work overseas to gain experience and gather wealth. Only after you've gained all that do you return to Malaysia and never ever work for the government.

Who Gives A Sh*t??!!! - Rantings of a Woman on the Rocks

It's the eve before my upgrade ... and what am I doing??? Trawling the internet ... I should be studying but ... who gives a sh*t???!!! Hahaha ... I just hope I'm still laughing after my upgrade panel tomorrow! I have been implementing a self imposed facebook and YM ban for the past 2 weeks and I'm just dying to interract with my chums again! Why am I like this??? I think I'm burning out. I have been doing nothing but reading, writing, analysing, thinking since Dec 2010 in preparation for my upgrade (to illustrate - I was even writing my thesis during the recent break with my family) ... and right now I'm just bored and tired. I have been so daunted by this upgrade which is going to happen tomorrow commencing 1000 hours at the Law School ... and I don't know why is it that one day before D Day I am feeling and acting this way. I've been trying hard to anticipate what are the questions which will be asked and frankly right now ... I just don't care. I hate feeling this way because i am just not a carefree and reckless person ... I love order and certainty in my life but at the moment ... I'm at a point where there are just too many junctions ahead of me. If I were in Malaysia I think I might have just put everything down and just go to Universal studios Singapore or Hong Kong Disneyland for a time out. But since I am here ... and at the moment I am as poor as a church mouse (to understand the magnitude - I wanted to donate to the Japan disaster fund today but just couldn't because I don't have any more cash left on me ... again ... thank you JPA Msia ... "selangkah ke hadapan, seratus langkah ke belakang" as always!! mua hahaha). To top everything off ... last night I couldn't sleep ... I only fell asleep at about 5 am and right now I'm feeling slightly light headed and dizzy. Plus ... I need to go to the hairdressers ... but not here in the UK ... it's too expensive and i am very fussy about my hair ...and I hate having to explain how I like my hair to be done to a new hairstylist. In Malaysia I have one hairstylist who I go to regularly. She knows what i like and what i need. So, till my summer hols in Malaysia at the end of July ... I just have to deal with the hair myself! If my hair is ok ... then I will be much calmer ... hee hee

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel (provided I pass my upgrade lah!) ... this is because my financial situation will be improving by April and I will have some extra funds for my family trip to Disneyland Paris ... insyaallah! I'm just going to let my hair down for 1 whole month after the upgrade. Wish me luck!

What a Hectic 2 Weeks!

Hello everybody ... it's been sometime since I blogged last. At the moment, I'm feeling pretty tired and melancholic. You see ... my family is already at Stansted for departure home to Kuala Lumpur at about 5.30pm UK time.... and I am missing them terribly already. Although they were here at a crucial period when I had to also prepare for my upgrade documents ... but their presence somehow made me feel safe that i could focus on my work. I especially miss my little cheeky nephew. Really can't wait to see them again in July. Today, I had also submitted my upgrade documents to the panel ... i really am hoping for the best. So, ... the past 2 weeks have been really hectic BUT productive. My family and I managed to go touring around England and Scotland, I successfully presented my seminar last Friday, my supervisor was happy, I managed to spend quality time with my family and I've submitted my upgrade documents. Like the saying goes ... when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

So, what have I learned from the past 2 weeks? That family is important and nothing else in this world matters but them; don't think about things too much, focus, settle what is important, pray to God ... and everything will fall in its place. The other thing which has got me thinking is ... if only my family can be with me here in UK ... then my time here would be more enjoyable and less stressful. My sister said she wished she didn't have to return to Malaysia ... yes, I do admit that the UK has its attractions ... but without your loved ones with you ... being here will not be as enjoyable. I miss my family and home in Malaysia terribly already ...

BTW ... here are some shots of pretty early spring blooms which I took at the Royal Botanic Garden, Edinburgh. Enjoy!