I'm tired and would just like some compassion please ...

It's been sometime since I last updated this blog. I have been very busy of late and will continue to be so until the end of March. Since mid November 2010, my arse has been more or less glued to this study chair and the wear and tear has started to show. Mind you the chair is not that heavily padded and my bum isn't a dainty size. In addition, the chair also has to bear the burden of my weight. I have been doing my literature review and typing my upgrade documents (min 7,000 words), polishing up my Chapter 1 and completing my Chapter 2. Since mid November, I've been doing nothing but wake up, work, bathe, eat, expel bodily wastes, pray, cook and sleep when it's bedtime. I thought of taking a weekend break in London at the end of January but thanks to the cock up with my allowance by the stupid people at JPA, the plan fell through. I have only till the end of February to complete my submissions before my upgrade in March. The only good thing going for me now is the fact that my mom, nephew, sister and brother in law are coming to the UK in the middle of next week. Then, we're off to a family road trip of sorts for about 5 days.

On 4 March, I have to do a seminar presentation at my research centre. With all the goings on in my life right now I really do need all the time I can get to complete my writing before my family arrives from Malaysia. So, tomorrow there will be a research review day for my research centre in town. It's a full day's event and frankly it's more like a brainstorming session to discuss the performance and aims of the centre and has got nothing to do with my research. So, I had emailed my supervisor earlier today asking to be excused from the research review due to the work which I have to complete. But, it was to no avail. He didn't say I MUST come ... but that "I should come, nevertheless it's up to me". This is one of the things which I hate about the Brits ... sometimes due to their wanting to be polite, they don't say things in a clear and unequivocal manner. I am very much used to the British way of saying NO by now ... but it still irks me when the reply is as my supervisor's because they compel you to do something by making you feel guilty about not attending. However, I need to clarify a few things here. My supervisor is not British but Danish. However, he is married to a Brit and has been living in Britain for quite some time. So, he is very British in most ways. When he's nice, he is terribly nice. But when he is not so nice, he's not rude but somehow he'll make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy about things. Everybody says he is a good teacher and I don't doubt that since he is also a senior professor but he is a pushy person. My reluctance to attend is also due to the fact that the research review will be held in a reception room in a pub in town and it's not an easy place to get to unless I drive there myself or go by taxi. To make matters worse, tonight my car broke down and therefore, if I were to attend the review tomorrow I have to go by taxi. At the moment, I don't have any cash to spare because JPA slashed nearly 500 pounds off of my allowance till April due to the stupidity of their system and the carelessness of some staff. Thankfully our groceries are enough till my payday in about 7-8 days time. At least we won't starve. The problem with my car seems to be with the gear. Since it's an auto car ... I just pray to God that it can be easily and cheaply fixed. Otherwise, if I have to change the gearbox , ... which is not cheap, I will just scrap the car. Whatever it is I pray that it can be fixed because I need to fetch my family from the airport in the middle of next week. Thankfully, hubby's fortnightly wage will be banked in by then for the petrol. So ... all I want to say is ... I AM TIRED AND I NEED A BREAK!!! ALLAH PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ...

Thoughts

I've been thinking long and hard. I've decided that I'm going to take charge of my life again and not let this quest for a PhD degree ruin it. You see ... ever since I started my PhD studies, life has not been the same for me. Previously, I took charge of my life, I never let something dictate what I wanted to do ... and I was happy. Since sept 2009, I've been letting my life get dictated by the demands of my PhD studies ... and it has only begotten me heartache, sadness, frustration etc which has eventually led to some form of depression. Actually, it's not so much the demands of my academic life, but more because of the place and people. I have nowhere suitable where I can go and relieve my stress and to make matters worse, the financial challenges which has engulfed me lately (thanks to the negligence of those who did the paperwork for my allowance) has really impacted negatively the already bad quality of life which I have already had in Norwich. Now, I've decided enough is enough ... I've to take charge of my life once again and just be happy. Life's too short to wallow in sadness and depression and I only have this one life to live on earth. Therefore, from now on ... my PhD studies would have to evolve around my needs in life. My need to be happy, my need for financial security, my need to enjoy life the best that I can. What made me decide to change? Well, the realisation that no one is there to help you but yourself. I remember once, an old friend of mine called Zanalis told me ... "you have to realise and accept that eventually you will be alone. So, you have to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario". Talk is cheap, even good friends will get tired of listening to my problems and just move on with their lives. There has been many times in my life when I desperately needed someone to talk to and there's just nobody there. Yes, I can talk to my hubby, but he was either occupied with work or I just didn't want to burden him by listening to my problems. So, nothing anybody says will ever change my mind because nobody understands or have to face the emotionally destructing environment which I have been living since Sept 2009. I am responsible for my own life and I will live by my terms and nobody else's.